Throw It Out Thursday: Appearances
I wanted to write about this for a while, but haven’t felt it was the right time. With our world reopening up around us (it is currently June /July in 2021 and mask mandates have officially been lifted), many of us are finally able to get back to social situations, can see our elders and loved ones, and go inside a store…maskless. Yay!
That all sounds good right!? It is, except many of us might also struggle with socializing and crowds after not being around people for so long, it might feel uncomfortable, a little cringy even. Or you might find yourself making weird facial expressions, something I used to be able to do under the cover of my mask 😷
Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.
-Confucius
This Throw It Out Thursday is all about tossing out that feeling of having to show up in a certain way, hit imposed benchmarks in life, or be “that person”, it’s about being yourself, and proud of who you are in all situations. So now might just be the perfect time to tackle this touchy subject. Appearances. We might have used one, we’ve all seen them, there is a place and a time for them, but they are not who we really are.
What do you think of when I say the word “appearances”? Does something or someone pop into your mind? Whatever it is, put it aside, and let’s define what appearances really are.
The definition of the word appearance according to the world wide web dictionary states;
noun, the way that someone or something looks or an act of performing or participating in a public event
So is it a fake person? Sure. Could it also be someone changing their clothes/makeup/hair? Yeah. So what makes the last option different from the first? The first one is an appearance used to protect or hide one’s true self, the second is a choice one makes to express themself. Very different.
On a side note, a fake personality could actually be the tip of the personality iceberg to something bigger, and that is outside of the scope of this blog. Remember, this is a safe space for us to throw out notions that don’t serve us. We are throwing out the notions around appearances, not actual people or personality issues.
First, let’s get one thing clear: NO ONE IS PERFECT, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PERFECTION, EVERYONE HAS FLAWS AND EVERYONE HAS OBSTACLES! Including, and definitely not limited to, ME!
Like the quote says above, we only see what people choose to show. So if you think someone is perfect, that’s only what you see, a piece of who they are, maybe they are someone who strives for their best or puts their best face forward, but no one is perfect, we all fart. Just think about that.
There is also this misconception of milestones a person should achieve at different times throughout their life. Like graduating high school, college, or having a secure career by 30 that allows you to buy a house. Getting married, having kids, are all notions about life that have been the “standard” for many people for many generations, however, the world has changed and those are no longer accurate benchmarks of success and an appearance that when one struggles to keep up, can leave one very unhappy in the end. Do it if you want to, but not because you think you should.
Getting the idea that we have to be perfect, hit some imaginary checklist in order to be “successful” or even more annoying “where someone in your age group/place in life should be” out of our heads is hard work, but it’s important. For example, just because you don’t wear makeup every day, or ever, doesn’t mean you don’t care about your appearance or that those who wear makeup somehow care more or are more of a “woman” than you, it just means you choose to not wear it and they choose to.
A decision about how we present ourselves to the world is important though, I don’t want to discredit that. Sit in your power and beauty my Kings and Queens. If you choose to wear crop tops and mom jeans or flowing summer dresses and hats, as long as you feel good in what you put on your body, from lotions and potions to the clothes you wear, it’s confidence in what’s underneath that matters.
This makes me think of a story I heard in an SPF Workshop I was taking quite a few years ago, the presenter was sharing about this new translucent SPF powder that was technically makeup. One woman in the audience asked about male clients and how, if even possible, you could get them on board with something like this.
The presenter shared how in her home, her husband, which she made sure to mention is very masculine and not into fluffy pamper stuff, only recently started using the cleanser she provides for him after the science of why he needs to wash his face was explained to him by someone else unrelated to his wife or her profession. He actually came home and told her thinking he was sharing something revolutionary, she smiled and nodded knowing her time for him to finally use his skincare had come.
So when this powder SPF showed up in their bathroom, she told him it was a mineral powder form of SPF that won’t leave that greasy feel lotion does and helps absorb oil on the skin. He uses it every day, and if you asked him if he wears makeup, he’d very matter-of-factly tell you no.
The point of this story is that it is all in how you see things. He wears his SPF (makeup powder) for skin health, not having that greasy feel from using a liquid, and to look good, that’s it. He isn’t doing it because one of the guys at work said something or what his wife wants him to do, he does it because it makes sense to him and who he is. It makes him feel good. That is a healthy appearance, one that serves who you are, not who you aren’t.
Letting go of someone else’s expectations of where you should be, like what your parents or friends think, is tough work, very unlike that presenter getting her husband on board with setting powder but not far off. I did write a blog a little bit ago about throwing out expectations, check out that blog HERE, it might give some insight on that aspect of appearances. But before I get carried away, let’s just break down that to every appearance there are two sides, having an appearance that serves you versus having one that “protects” you, aka the pros and the cons.
Let’s take, for example, that friend/family member/coworker who acts one way in front of one group of people, but then completely different when either 1:1 or in a different group? This is like a chameleon, it changes depending on the social setting/situation.
If you know someone like this or feel a little bit like this yourself, don’t beat them or yourself up! There are pros and cons, and more than one side to the appearances we put on:
Pro:
Can be used when mingling for work or personal, like they can turn on the charm when talking with someone interesting, or step into their “boss shoes” when making business deals, no schmoozing required.
Con:
Could stem from a lack of feeling secure in who one is, this pliable personality is fragile and in need of self love ASAP.
Pro:
They have different interests and are able to show up fully in each of those scenes. For lack of a better phrase, it’s like compartmentalizing your behavior/attitude. Like that person at work you had no idea was really into D&D…
Con:
If these are extremes, we’ve got a red flag, and as mentioned before that could be outside of the scope of this blog…but if you feel like you have to be one way for a certain group of people, I would encourage you to question is it that you feel you need to fit a role or character type in the group? Would they treat you differently if you didn’t act/show up that way? Is the friendship worth it if the answer is yes? Like that famous song lyric “dance like no one is watching”, live like no one is watching!
“Life is a drama”, have you heard that phrase? It’s true, life is a drama, and an unraveling story in front of your eyes all about you and your experiences, the crazy thing is that all the people on this planet are having this exact same life drama but yet one that’s uniquely theirs (insert mind blown emoji here). We are all the lead actors in our own off-screen made-for-TV drama of our life, and extras in everyone else’s.
Even though this is true, it is important to remember that point: we are all having our own drama going on simultaneously while around, interacting or colliding with other dramas. If we spend our time trying to take the lead in other people’s stories, we won’t have one of our own. All we can do is be the best leading actor in our own life, and show up as a great sidekick, or background cast member for others.
Appearances can sneak up during life moments, sometimes we can see them coming like when we need to spruce up for a job interview, or we when don’t need them and instead put our foot in our mouth, and hopefully, no one notices.
There are so many ways to say it: wearing many faces, having different hats, filling shoes, the list goes on but the phrase is the same, multiple segments make up a whole. Have you seen that Zillow commercial where she goes into her head and has a conversation with the different aspects of herself? Well, it’s a lot like that. We all have different “modes” we operate in, and sometimes these can come off to be appearances, but they actually aren’t negative appearances, or even appearances at all, just aspects of who we are, a piece of our personality.
This is something we might see as we start to get back to being together, amongst strangers, and seeing more than the few people in your bubble. When we’ve been functioning in our isolation mode and now transition back into social-mode, there are going to be some bumps along the way, but a few uncomfortable minutes of silence is way different than someone misreading who you are as a person based on a misread appearance or attitude.
So how do you stand your ground when someone you know and trust questions how you're showing up? Ever had someone ask you, “you doing alright? You look mad?” when nothing is wrong? Then that question makes you mad, or furrow your brow more, appearing more disgruntled, and then it becomes hard to explain that you were never mad, to begin with? Just me?
Don’t judge a book by its cover right?
This idea is simple, humanistic, and extremely hard to put into practice. How many times this week did you make a decision based on the appearance of either yourself or someone else?
I will tell you if I don’t get out of my pajamas and get dressed first thing in the morning, I have the hardest time being productive throughout the day. I heard once from a dear friend how important it is to win in the morning, for me it’s the physical action of taking off my sleeping clothes and getting myself ready for the day, it sets the tone for me. It matters so much to me that I wrote about it a little bit ago in my Lockdown Self Care Series, you can check that blog out HERE
So if we don’t judge ourselves, or others by their outward appearances first, that only leaves one thing to do, listen to them. I think what the crux of this phrase really is, is that we make such snap opinions of others, or of how others are perceiving us, that we don’t take the time to listen and be present to the person in front of us. Just pause, take a breath, and don’t worry about appearances, just be yourself and let them be who they are.
When we are able to take ourselves out of the spotlight or remove the spotlight from being shone on others, it allows us to light up the whole room for all of us to shine. I remember a while ago I was dealing with this issue of not being understood, of coming across the wrong way, and it made me frustrated to no end as there wasn’t anything I could do without coming across as though I was trying to change their mind, or cover my ass. Pardon my French.
It hurt me more to think I offended someone without meaning to at all, someone I appreciated and respected, and they didn’t come to me about it so I could let them know that wasn’t the case at all. Was I mad? Sure. Did I react? No, luckily I had learned my lesson from the first poorly written message that I don’t do anyone justice when coming from a place of emotion. So, I went to a friend who is like my wise Auntie, and she helped me see my purpose in this matter, as opposed to taking it on as a personal attack or misjudgment I needed to correct. I was able to be honest, take any blame for how I came across, and vow to never do that again, or at least try my best to never do that again.
This was a tendency in my life, to respond to messages that come in as soon as I read them, instead of processing the information and being able to respond to the sender in the best way. It coming up this way at that time was an opportunity for me to transform this situation, change my appearance in crucial moments. I still work on this every time I get a message, and use this memory to remind myself that I owe the person in front of me time and consideration, not a rash response from the hip.
I hope in any way, this blog has helped you understand that not all appearances are bad, but we can use them when the time is right. I was watching a TV show recently, NCIS, and Jamie Lee Curtis was guest starring. She made a comment about changing her stripes, and the counter response was “A zebra can’t change his stripes.” Her response, “Good thing I’m a woman”.
As always, be good to your skin and even better to your whole self!
xx eri